25 Thoughts and Things and Stuff

Ok ok ok. I’ve told a little white fib. It’s going to be more like 50 things. But I wouldn’t have dared smuggle “50” anything into the title because such a choice would have doomed this post the *Rue of the Blogger Games. And we all know the odds were not in her favor. 

[And right here is where I almost t-boned you with a long-winded rant that just went way further than I intended and that was not the plan Stan. So I’ve removed it and it’s currently sitting in my drafts for its own future post. (And hey Stan? Who are you anyways and did you not like, hate the stupid person who first said “Sounds like a plan Stan” to you? Because I imagine that person as a lower-level red-headed corporate suck-up with a fuzzy mustache and-way-too-short pants who makes everyone’s coffee and wears a stupid smile on his stupid face all. the. stupid. time.]

Also. You can blame my new friend Paul over at The Captain’s Speech  for this whole “50 Things” thing! I’ve enjoyed reading his randomized lists of whatever and nothing and everything so much that the concept got me all goo-goo-dolled-eye over it like oooohhh it’s soooo shinnnyyy….. I wannnttttt…

And if you are unacquainted with Paul (crap. I think I’ve revealed your unsuperheroish name. Meh. They’re too distracted and rushed. They didn’t even notice. ) then you need to go and fix that. He’s brutally hysterical and with-it.

1. If you don’t know Rue. *Rue was a young child who pretty much immediately died in The Hunger Games. She was cute and symbolic but had no hope. Hence my suckbutt-metaphor in paragraph 1.
2. Why is it called THROW BACK THURSDAY and not BRING-IT-BACK THURSDAY?! We’re posting up old memories; BRINGING BACK old memories not “throwing them” back. Da fuck?! That’s it. I’m done. It’s now “BIBT” for me from now on. And I’m copyrighting that.
3. Speaking of “bullshit” what did a bull ever do to that guy? Why wasn’t it like “I call oxshit!” Or buffaloshit. Or Cashmeregoatshit. Did the largest turd win? And who was judging this shit (literally)?
4. If Trump banned transgenders from the military- I wonder if he was like “Mehhh…  hermaphrodites are cool though. Let ’em through.”
5. I spend approximately $3,500 a year on coffee. It’s no wonder I don’t travel. But the way my addiction is set up..
6. In reference to #4: the next time I rant about how BROKE I am. Fucking slap me. Cyber-slap me. Thanks.
7. The sky is not “the limit” people. You DO know there’s stuff AFTER and beyond the sky right? Maybe Columbus came up with that one around the same time he said the world was flat. Makes sense. Except we know the world isn’t flat now so we stopped saying that. So stop telling kids “the sky’s the limit” because it’s not. You’re polluting young minds and damaging futures with these limit-fuckeries.
8. Jelly & Peanut Butter. Cheese-n-Mac. Meatballs & Spaghetti. Cheese-Grilled Sandwich. Ham and Eggs Green…..I’ll let that sink in. #rulesfuck
9. As a general rule: pudding should never be watery. And there should never be such a thing as watermelon flavored pudding. Sorta traumatized here Paul…..
10. I just learned there’s such a thing as a mini flat-iron that connects to the electric charger hole-thingy in a CAR.  I’m serious. Here it is! And what is that car socket thingy called?! (And I’m an ex-chemistry major. HA!) 
11. Turns out I went my whole childhood under false pretense that a Woodchuck chucking wood was a bird. Like Woody Wood Pecker? At 32, I now know it is a groundhog. I feel violated, lied to, and confused as to how I’ve gotten this far in life.
12. Remember that drink SURGE that started depleting sperm count in men? How did they DO that and can they do it again? Because there are now more men than EVER who should NEVER procreate.
13. And speaking of procreation. Can we put a brief pause on humanity in the name of traffic and overcrowded classrooms and parking lots? Sorta Like in theme parks? There’s a maximum capacity and when it’s full everyone has to wait till someone leaves? Except the theme park is Earth. And someone has to drop dead in order for God to give the green light for one viable sperm to get through. Too much?  Please go HERE!
14. Cake mixes 101: Add an extra egg. Use milk never water. Double up the butter. Add 1 tsp vanilla. Add 1 package vanilla pudding mix (not watermelon). Mix and bake as stated on box. YOU ARE FUCKING WELCOME!
15. Best Life-hack: don’t be a reproductive organ in life. Don’t be such a pussy. And don’t be a dick! I know. I’m a genius. Aristotle would have been proud.
16. Cacti and succulents needs like no attention or care. Yet I still manage to kill them.
17. RED duotang folders will be the death of me. Every color of the rainbow available by the truckloads. But not one red one. Anywhere.
18. Victoria’s “secret” is that Victoria is a man. Did I just ruin that for you? 
19. Telling a waiter that you’re spouse is diabetic and their sugar is dropping gets your order in about 5 times quicker. (Again, you’re welcome)
20. I think I socialize and interact more with my new friends on WP, than with my actual real-life friends.
21. Why did “God” create Head Lice? I feel like one of his disciples should have taken his magic-wand away and been like “Go home God, you’re drunk” right before he created these tiny jerks.
22. Did Nelly’s cut ever actually heal? Or was he trying to hide a pimple? Also- how sanitary was that bandaid? I wonder if it was ever changed….
23. When I finished watching 13 Reasons Why, I realized that God was also hammered throughout this whole era and mostly all Millenials were results of his just pressing a bunch of buttons at the same time and then blacking out on top of the  button labeled “unstable state of mind” and so they all got an overdose of THAT which permanently fucked them.
24. Disney world is a nightmare. Whoever said that place was the “happiest place on Earth” had probably just been released from serving 2 life sentences in an isolated prison and never even caught a glimpse of daylight. Get the fuck out of here. An alligator just killed a toddler there not long ago. It’s HELL disguised with characters.
25. Escalators are horrifying. I’m always worried I’ll miss a step and die or that the ending part we “jump” over will suck me inside and kill me.

Ok. I stopped at 25! Because I just realized that I write and rant way too much for a list of stuff and I can’t keep things short enough because of the way I’m wired! So I guess the little white fib was unnecessary! And now we can still keep an honest, open, and trusting relationship. Thank BLOG.

Until next time!

Unapologetically Yours,