10 Things I Hate About You (An Ode to Walmart)

I hate how no matter the time or day
your parking lots are overcrowded;
And by the time I find a space
from my scalp, 4 new grey hairs have sprouted.

I hate how when grandma tags along
I can never find an electric cart.
And when I finally hunt one down
it never wants to fucking start.
So let’s just make little grandma walk,
never mind her arthritis, never mind her heart.

I hate the way it’s blistering cold
the minute that you walk inside.
And of course I left my skiing jacket at home
This IS Miami and it’s 206 degrees as fuck outside!

I hate how some of you are “24 hours”’round the clock,
yet it’s 2AM and every aisle’s now blocked
by cardboard forts of shit to be restocked;
So now you’re telling me I can’t get through
to reach my must-have witty knee-high socks?!
What the foxin’FOX?!

I hate how your employees
have no clue where they’re standing;
I mean heaven help you if you have a question
whether in English, or Spanish they’re NOT fucking understanding-
“Hi Sir, in what aisle can I find the shaving cream?”
“Aisle 23, said Sir. Yep. Right next to the frozen peas, you mean?
Fucking seriously??? Someone shoot me please.

I hate how 16 out of 18 registers are never lit up;
and by the time I get to pay my stuff
I may as well have walked to and from Europe.
And don’t get me started on your bitchy cashier ladies-
how they sigh, roll their eyes and get annoyed by crying babies-
(well maybe if you’d speed it up we’d get outta your hair quicker, sloth-lady!)

I hate that when I’m there, I have the worst of social luck;
running into people I haven’t seen in 12 years will always truly suck;
and for small-talk and a fake “life is great!”I just don’t give a fuck.
And it’s always on a day, where I’m a mess from head to toe.
Greasy hair, unmatched socks, and eyebrows over-plucked… ya know?

I hate how you have that awkward man standing by the door
with a yellow highlighter on deck;
He’s supposed to make sure we’re not stealing from your store
but just highlights and smiles…NEVER once even checks!
Plus the guy’s almost 98, so what if I were to steal?
By the time he even notices
he’s had 3 heart attacks, a stroke, and missed 4 meals!

I hate the way your Hispanic foods, are always segregated;
And despite that you’re in a melting pot of a state
you keep the GOYA brand of beans separated?
Did Trump put you fuckers up to this?
I bet he’s never even tried a Cuban dish, that dick.
I say A BEAN IS A BEAN and this game is sick;
I say keep the fucking beans united
and make WAL-MART GREAT AGAIN you pricks.

But mostly I hate
the way I don’t hate you,
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.

-E Gonzalez.

And if you have never seen 10 Things I Hate About You… lol well…then you just won’t get that ending now will ya?

And just for poops and giggles:

Advertisements

Author: Ely

Stormy-day-Chaser, Wit-Warrior, Unapologetically-Cool-Mom, Humor-Junkie, Queen-o-Drama, Caffeine-Addict, Self-Made-Cake-Hustler, Ranter-of-ALL-things, Word-Thug, Pet-Unlover, Sassy-Introvert, Effervescent-Soul.

12 thoughts on “10 Things I Hate About You (An Ode to Walmart)”

  1. Once again…. Laughing histerically.
    Walmart is the devil of devils. You don’t know whether to be overly excited about the endless number if things you’ll never use and even less need but are definitely affordable… Or to take kitchen isle and slit your veins on the way to the registers to bleed out slowly.

    I understand you 150%(if it’s even possible)

    I love that I can get everything in one spot. But then again, can you really? Like why would I pay you $4.97 for an item that I can find an identical match to at Dollar Tree for a bug whopping $1. But then again if your regularly visited shopping store is Publix, then by all means take your $4.97 item and now you can declare tax relief.

    – The end
    Sighs….
    Active fan of 10 things I hate about youπŸ˜„

    Like

  2. Hahahaha I loved this too much. I vote more poetry! I liked how you would go off on a mini tangent and then reel it back in with a rhyme and keep it nice and tidy like a poem is. That part about the 98 year old missing 4 meals was golden. As was rhyming “head to toe” with “ya know.” I think the Walmarts in Canada are a much friendly environment and doesn’t have the reputation that the ones in the US have. I once went to a Walmart in Michigan. Oh man, was it ever terrifying. No one spoke. There was no music over the sound system. It was just a silent morgue with untidy shelves and stray hangers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol! Thanks! I was pretty hyped up about it I use to write so much sappy poetry I’ll have to dig through my old highschool journals just to laugh at myself. My brother writes music so we have the souls of Hispanic Tu-Pacs inside hahaha! And yea no- Florida Walmarts are that bad!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s