In Which I Layer Rants On Rants To Make A Rantwich and Then Sprinkle it With A Dash of Rant and Add a Side Of Ranting.

 

tumblr_mrp3uhBLjI1s6krrko1_250.gif
Dude. This chick even rants in her post titles… Gee-zus!

 

If I had a penny for every single time I’ve whispered “what the FUCK” to myself by the end of any day- I’d be rich. I’d be able to pay off my credit cards. I’d be able to half-ass-afford my own Starbucks addiction without willingly overdrawing my bank account-I don’t think you’ve been able to grasp the “realness” of my caffeine struggles guys. 

And if you recall that regrettable moment when I shared the exact monthly dollar amount that I spend on Starbucks, then you’d know my addiction is otherworldly and mad shameful. And I’m not talking, slap-on-the-wrist-shameful. No, no, no. I’m talking, walk- down-the-center-of-a-medieval-village-butt-ass-booty-naked-with-a-psycho-nun-leading-the way-as-she-rings-a-bell-chanting-“Shame.-Shame.-Shame”-while-the-commoners-aim-rotten vegetables-and-fresh-spit-at-my-head-shameful. 

Oh my heart. What ever WILL you do when Game of Thrones has ended. The world knows nothing of the unfathomable void that shall remain.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

 

 

 

The thing is, I’m a middle-class woman with a little-rich-bitch habit. Wait, wouldn’t that be like cocaine? Isn’t that what “rich girls” get hooked on? And also, am I even middle-class? I mean, I can’t be 100% sure but I’d like to say my social status in this country is parallel to exactly where I am was recently standing on the BMI scale:

BMI-Chart-1-copy

Yep. Borderline obese which is the equivalent of borderline poor. One foot in and one foot out. And then we do the hokey pokey and we turn ourselves arou- what? Too much? Fine.

And also, I speak for myself and every Hispanic woman in the world with a

cute face
Chubby thinner than before waist
Thick legs in shape
Rump shaking both ways
Make you do a double take
Planet Rocka show stopper
Flo froppa head knocker
Beat stalla tail dropper

when I say fuck off  B.ullshit M.ade I.diotic chart. You’re politically incorrect, stereotypical, racist as hell and while we may be “too” curvy for you, at least we’re not square like you are! Seriously…you look like an amputated Spongebob covered in number-vomit. So take that!

tumblr_mh7cj9FxiG1rel180o1_400
BOO-YAH!

 Well then. Here are all the other what-the-FUCK-whisper-worthy “things” humans do that tend to gnaw at my brain like a dozen starving micro-rodents:

  • You’re a fitness junkie. I totally respect you. I may even be low-key stalking you because I’m starving for motivation. I mean you look bad ass and I WISH I was nearly as committed to regaining my sanity as you are to your muscle mass. But for real for real- is it necessary to take your post-bod or transformation selfies in a bra and underwear for all eyes to see? Obviously the same goes for the fellas except if you’re also wearing a bra then I’m not done with you because I have more questions bro. And please do not hit me with the “it’s a two piece bathing suit” comeback; no, it is very clearly not a bathing suit.tumblr_mhrbnoiv1E1rknrf9o1_500

And yes, we can all very clearly tell the difference. That being said, why not just actually wear the bathing suit?

  • Why do you insist on violently beeping at me, and then aggressively cutting me off to prove your point? Especially considering that the light was already yellow when you honked your horn-of-death and was red by the time you cut me off as if *I* were the gangrened-toe of Floridian drivers. And would ya look at that? We both got to the same exact spot, at the same exact time. Hate it when that happens.e2nab
  • Why do you insist on continuing to procreate if you’re already on welfare, food stamps, WIC, live in a government funded apartment in the projects, and are a meth-junkie? Have you considered that abortions are an easier route and would be for a greater good? No? How about- and let’s say this together now sloowwwllyy ready? C-o-n-d-o-m-s? Negative? B-irth con-trol? Nada? Well then I guess we’ll just have to set your uterus/testicles up to get run over by the next bus. Seriously, how petty and selfish can you be? The only ones who end up suffering here are the innocent children that ultimately land in the fucking system: juvie, foster care, or a morgue. To say that people like you piss me off, is an understatement. Lucky for you, I am no one. But at least I’m not the fungus here.

 

  • Why do you do that “thing” where you label yourself as “humble” and then immediately dive headfirst into social media to post countless pictures of every single purchase you make (price-tags clearly visible) and stacks of cash-money choked in rubber bands? And then to sprinkle your own shit with a cherry on top (so gross), you add captions like #thisisforthehaters and #behumble.  I mean like hold on…where exactly are these “haters”please point them out dude and who exactly ever told you that you’re “humble”? And did you maybe just return those expensive things after that photoshoot? It’s nothing personal. But it’s a problem once it becomes a pattern.  I’m not sorry you think you’re bigger than the rest of us when you’re just a tiny -ant of a person. Ignor-ant. Arrog-ant. Irrelev-ant. Insignific-ant. and I can r-ant all night about this but you’re just not that import-ant. And you know what i like to do to ants? I traumatize them by blocking off their perfect marching lines in random spots; then I sit there and watch them lose their shit over the abrupt disarray.tumblr_inline_mrm6umYJJJ1qz4rgp

 

  • Why do you need a physical PLACE to go worship J-Dawg and his pops Biggy-G? And why do we have to keep a schedule to do this? Like WHY on Sundays? And why do you give part of our pay checks or “donate” money to these places? Do they pay your mortgage or rent? Do they help you when your T-Mobile bill is 200$?  Also- what’s with the spooky lighting and the uncomfortable smells?! I’m all set. Biggy-G said he’s “in the trees and the rocks” and i have plenty of that in the comfort of my backyard. 
cash-me-outside-suicide_fb-865x452
Preash bow dah in shursh howbow dah?

tumblr_mz7h3pX11a1t9j2fvo1_400

 

  • Why do women always want to lie about being younger? You know what I do?

“How old are you Ely?”  

 Me!? Oh I’m 38.
tumblr_mlyxqusthy1spnuqno1_500

“WHAT? Dang girl! You look AMAZING, what’s your secret?”

Welllll…. I wear my sunscreen, I use Vitamin-E oil every night, and oh yea also I lie about my age by adding 6 years on top, just to fool people because I prefer the shocked reactions paired with compliments as opposed to the “oh… you’re younger than I thought” soul-sucking and awkward comments.  

tumblr_n039ekCib21swv7lbo1_500
You can thank me later darling.          
  • What IS IT with you people and the plant based diet rages?  I’m not a botanist, nor a dietician but I am pretty fucking sure the fruits and veggies in the U.S. are also affected by hormones, and pesticides, and other chemicals that you’ll ultimately end up ingesting. So now what? You get the organic versions of the organic stuff? Like when and where do you draw the line? I just don’t get the compulsive dieting fads that are dominating our lives. It’s sad to think about but I bet you anything that same lady who pledged her life to sacrifice delicious fattening-as-fuck food so that she can live a longer, healthier life– is going to die crossing a street; or of an infected mosquito bite; Or a shark attack; or a hot air balloon freak accident. Because that’s what the fuck life DOES, doesn’t it? So I’m sorry. I’m going to die some way or another but in the meantime, let’s not taco ’bout it and let’s enjoy these tacos.

I think that’s enough of that for now. I’m slowly turning into an insomniac and I have GOT to deal with this sleepless monster that I’ve become. Perhaps a lullaby will help me end this-

Is it worth it, let me work it
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gniht ym tup I
Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gniht ym tup I
If you got a big, let me search it
And find out how hard I gotta work ya
Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gniht ym tup I
Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gniht ym tup I
(Come on)
If you a fly gal get your nails done
Get a pedicure, get your hair did
Boy, lift it up, let’s make a toast-a
Let’s get drunk, that’s gon’ bring us closer
Don’t I look like a Halle Berry poster——
tumblr_mh4wyjQW1l1rsd9coo1_500
Advertisements

Author: Ely

Stormy-day-Chaser, Wit-Warrior, Unapologetically-Cool-Mom, Humor-Junkie, Queen-o-Drama, Caffeine-Addict, Self-Made-Cake-Hustler, Ranter-of-ALL-things, Word-Thug, Pet-Unlover, Sassy-Introvert, Effervescent-Soul.

12 thoughts on “In Which I Layer Rants On Rants To Make A Rantwich and Then Sprinkle it With A Dash of Rant and Add a Side Of Ranting.”

  1. This post had everything. I’m starting to think that me rambling off into random songs in my blog posts, is starting to rub off on you. The hokey pokey caught me off guard haha. Also, those lyrics you posted at the end, I didn’t realize that actually flipped and reversed the words for two lines! I just thought it was some pop gibberish that I didn’t understand! As far as vegetarians go, my plan to combat them is to introduce myself as an omnivore and mention it every three sentences just to get my point across. Of course, I’ve never been able to deploy this strategy. Feel free to use it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Paul… as I caught myself rambling lyrics I was like oh dear. This is Paul. Paul is my spirit-blogger lol! And that was Missy Elliot and I NEVER understood those 2 lines and now I see she was actually saying something which led me to play the song as I fell asleep hahahah. And that omnivore idea?! There you go being your genuine genius self again! How do you DO it? 😂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Being a genius is hard. Some days I wake up stupid and read WordPress comments wrong and think “someone” has called me a “genuine genie” before I realize I can’t read. Happens more often than you think haha

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This post is EVERYTHING and then you go an add one of my fave jams right at the end there!!! They can’t end Game of Thrones EVER, can they? Surely there’s always someone fighting to steal the most uncomfortable looking seat on television? NO I can’t live without my GoT fix or coffee fix… are you me?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. HA!!! 😂😂😂😂 you never know! They say there’s always another one of each of us somewhere in the world! And that throne is SO awful I really don’t get the hype either! I really really hope they just keep fighting over it forever! Thanks for stopping by! Sending love!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Bwahaha at the add 6 years to your age and then bask in the compliments! This is SUCH a good idea! 😀

    Those dick drivers are soooo scary for me. I’ve been cycling to work for the last week and some drivers seem to want me to actually die with their dick-twat-rude-ass driving. Some people need to drive themselves off a cliff. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😂😂😂 I’m glad you agree it’s a useful technique! LOL I just wouldn’t recommend it if you’re dating the person and remotely like him/her! And if ONLY there were such things as “cliffs” in Florida. Girrrrllllll lol the things I’d DREAM of doing to people from said cliffs! Hahaha!!! And cycling in my neck of the woods is basically a suicide wish. 😣😣😣😣

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s not sooo bad here, they have some cycle lanes and some super-polite drivers BUT it’s the scary folks that attempt to kill me that I notice the most!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Sounds dangerous! Be careful lady and wear your helmet and knee pads (do they make such a thing for adults these days? I’m sure in a porn shop… but for cycling?!) oh that went way outfield! 😣😩 anyways! Lol!!! Safe travels dear! At least I’m not alone with these psychotic people who get their licenses from who-knows-where!

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s